


voor altijd;

by shallows



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, Poetry, sander's pov of season 3 narrated in poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shallows/pseuds/shallows
Summary: Your life is a series of little deaths with no resolution.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39





	voor altijd;

_1._   
_Your life is a series of little deaths with no resolution. You walk around feeling the oxygen being ripped from your arteries, every day becoming more empty even though you’re still breathing. The night sky calls to you with its infinite stars and promises you a life that you don’t believe you deserve living; so you stay in the shadow of someone who shines brighter than you, hoping that one day she might become a supernova and destroy you in the process of destroying herself. You’re both two miserable bodies breathing decay into each other’s skin and wishing after each little death that this is the time you finally start living. - It doesn’t work. You rot away at each other and pretend you enjoy it. You figure this is all there is._

_2._   
_You see him for the first time under the moonlight. He is not a celestial body dying in the way you’ve gotten used to; instead, he is the sun, reborn every day to warm a world covered in ice and restart the heart that’s barely beating behind your ribcage. You don’t know him yet but you are terrified that you don’t deserve to be enveloped by his light. But he calls to you like a siren calls to men lost at sea - if sirens were angels with soft curls and smiles for wings. You are just a boy adrift in the ocean that is your life, every day drowning a little, and he is the mellifluous voice calling to you, guiding you to a future where you don’t have to let water flood your lungs just to remind yourself you’re alive._

_3._   
_He fills your soul. He is everywhere and nowhere at all. You search for him like you’re a desert and he’s the oasis at your core making you worth something. Everyone who tries to explore you soon realizes there is no good to see; they leave you behind for softer weather and easier storms, and you end up alone with the scorpions that hide in your sands and poison every attempt at love. But with him the perspective is shifted - you are still the harsh desert with dunes that rise and fall and a clinquant horizon that leads to hardships most people don’t want to endure; but he doesn’t need to search because he’s already there with you, like he’s been half of your soul since the beginning and you just hadn’t dared to hope that there was more to you. So you make the journey yourself through the depths of your soul that bite and hurt, looking for him through the lens of your camera until he’s the only thing you see._

_4._   
_You meet him and he is everything and nothing you expect him to be. Your neurons short-circuit when your eyes lock on his, your pathway of thoughts rewiring itself until you forget how to exist. You say something, of course you do, but your heart is pumping so fast it is roaring in your ears like tsunami waves crashing at shore, and you wonder why this time it doesn’t feel like you’re drowning. You paint yourself a canvas of all the things you think you should be and you spin him around this chimerical world you envisioned. He lets you dance an orbit around him like planets do with their sun and he smiles at you like it pleases him to see you, like he would be proud to call you his. You don’t know anyone else like that; for most people you are the moon landing, a shiny anecdote to parade around so they can feel good about themselves, or you are a meteor on course to Earth ready to destroy the second you touch ground. But he looks at you like you’re salvation instead of damnation. You’re no angel, but you feel like his smile alone could make you one._

_5._   
_There is a softness in you that makes you as fragile as porcelain. You paint your reflection black and hope the world sees obsidian steel instead of rose-tinted glass. But with him you stop pretending. He smiles at you and no longer are you performing the tiring act of being better than you are. You can be lackluster - he is the sun and he shines bright enough for both of you. As you soar together through the infinity of the tunnel he chose to step through by your side, your shortcomings feel like distant memories of a time when they defined you. You kiss him and he kisses you and suddenly you feel yourself ascending, and the stars that called to you in your bedroom as you tainted your fingers with charcoal pencils are finally close enough for you to reach. You are polar opposites and his lips are magnetizing; you let yourself be pulled in and in and in until you’re one and the same. You’re stuck to him and it feels like liberation._

_6._   
_He doesn’t want you. He is the warm morning star but you’re the one burning, and he felt the smoke seeping from the fire in your lungs and realized he doesn’t deserve to be suffocated. Once again you are the dirt discarded at people’s feet, unworthy and unlovable. You want to hurt yourself for being so blind. How did you believe the sun could ever love the night?_

_7._   
_There is something to be said about the way love takes a hold of you; you become a prisoner the moment it engulfs you. He comes to you for an apology you don’t want to hear, not when your heart is barely hanging on by weathered tape that is dirtied and peeling. You think one whisper from him might break you. But his eyes are like liquid warm chocolate in a cabin sheltering you from a snowstorm and you can’t resist him. He tells you that you meant to him something different than he meant to you. He was your sunshine after a winter storm; you were his summer storm after dark clouds. And you forgive him, of course you do. You collide with him under a periwinkle sky and colorful walls. Your heart is still shattered and maybe it will always be; love isn’t a cure for broken souls. But he is gold travelling through the cracks and gluing them together. You are a piece of art again because of him._

_8._   
_You lie to yourself that for him you can be better. You let him take a peek at the dark corners of your world but you don’t let him in. You are an artist, you know what happens when your hand drags across freshly colored paper, and he is the perfect drawing you can’t let yourself ruin. For a moment, you live in a fantasy world where you are good for him. It’s ephemeral, but somehow it feels everlasting. He is a dream you had once when you were a child and craved a love you were convinced you deserved. But your world is cruel and when he is in it he feels the violence too. And you can’t let it happen. You will not be his eclipse. So you walk away._

_9._   
_Your world is bleak when he isn’t in it. You try to live like this, for him. You want to be selfless and accept a forlorn life if it means that he’s safe from the monsters that rip from your skin and claw at everything you love. But he is everywhere. He is in every molecule, every atom of the world around you. You have made him a paradox - he is part of you but he isn’t yours, and it’s killing you. Your life is back to being a series of little deaths. You are alive and you are not; you are a paradox too. You drop all the chaos swirling inside of you on a mural of him and hope it alone will exorcise those feelings. But you discover that you cannot give love away until there’s nothing left; it only multiples and you become selfish. You’ve had a taste of what life with him can be and you’ve become addicted to it. He is the heroin in your veins and you are not ready to give him up. So you go to him and you let yourself get lost in the kind of love that is all-consuming. He is the only one for you, and you will have him for now, even if you won’t be the only one for him forever._

_10._   
_You have never felt happiness like this. When he’s near, it is not so dark anymore. He is a billion streetlamps illuminating the night and you soak up his light like it is the oxygen in your lungs you need to breathe. He is kind in a way that no one has ever been kind to you, and he is sweeter than you believe you deserve. But you let yourself consume his love with all the life you have in you, and you let yourself forget there might be a future where you lose him again. For now, you are happy. He touches you like you’re precious and he’s terrified of breaking you; he doesn’t know that you would willingly break a million times for him._

_11._   
_You pour all your love onto him as fiercely as you can; you love him until your mind starts slipping and not even his light can keep away the darkness anymore. Your demons claw at you and you lose yourself in them like you always do, a curtain opening on stage where you perform a familiar dance. When it’s over and you are just you again, you reach out to him. You want to plead, “I am more than my struggles. I am an ocean and there is good in me too”. But you remember this is not true. You remember who you are, who you were before an angel took pity on you. You are still just the sand in the desert. He is kind but he was not born to be a martyr, so he leaves you again and you let him go. The stars are far away; you’re back to being a boy with paint on your hands and bruises in your heart. You were never meant to touch heaven anyway._

_12._   
_“I’m so happy I found you,” he whispers as he holds you and you cry like you’re water from a river dripping off an abyss. You believed your love was a danger to be contained lest it ruin everything it touched, so you let yourself pour all of your pain onto paper and escape into a place where you could not harm him. But he comes to you like a miracle and he promises to love you for all that you are, touching you like your skin isn’t poison and like your lightning can’t strike him. He loves you, he says, and he loves you and he loves you. He holds your hand and cradles your face and kisses you like he’s not scared of being marred by onyx paint. And you love him, you say in the coming days, and you love him and you love him. It’s true that you are a storm, but he makes you see that you are also the rainbow after rain. With him by your side, you discover there is magic in darkness too._


End file.
